> * A car hit an
> elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
> comfortable?"  The man says, "I make a good
> living."
>  
> * I just got back from a pleasure trip.  I took my
> mother-in-law to the airport.
>
> * I've been in love with the same woman for 49
> years.  If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
>
> * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when
> she's making love?  "Honey, I'm
> home."
>
> * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be
> reporting it.  The thief spends less than my wife
> does.
>
> * We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.
>
> * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a
> waterbed.  My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
>
> * My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our
> wedding night.  This time I was the one who stayed in
> the bathroom and cried.
>
> * My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours.  That
> was only for the estimate.
>
> * She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. 
> Then the mud fell off.
>
> * The Doctor gave a man six months to live.  The man
> couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another
> six months.
>
> * The Doctor called Mrs Cohen saying, "Mrs Cohen, your
> cheque came back."  Mrs Cohen replied, "So
> did my arthritis!"
>
> * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" 
> Patient: "I AM 60!"  Doctor: "See! 
> What did I tell you?"
>
> * A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. 
> The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor
> says, "That's what puzzles me!"
>
> * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." 
> Doctor: "Don't answer it!"
>
> * A drunk was in front of a judge.  The judge says,
> "You've been brought here for drinking." 
> The drunk says,
> "Okay, let's get started."
>
> * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?  They're
> worth it.
>
> * Why do Jewish
> men die before their wives?  They want to.
>
> * The
> Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
> like Chinese food so much.  The study revealed that the
> reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not
> Now.
>
> * There is
> a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life
> begins.  In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not
> considered viable until it graduates from law school.
>
> Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink? 
> A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
>
> Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole
> officers? 
> A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.
>
> Q : What's a Jewish American Princess's favourite
> position? 
> A : Facing Bloomingdale's.
>
> * A man called his mother in Florida.  "Mom, how
> are you?"  Not too good,"
> said the mother.  "I've been very weak. 
> " The son said, "Why are you so weak?" 
> She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38
> days."  The son said, "That's
> terrible.  Why haven't you eaten in 38
> days?"  The mother answered, "Because, I
> didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should
> call."
>
> * A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always
> had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
>
> * A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother
> he has a part in the play.  She asks, "What part
> is it?"  The boy says, "I play the part of
> the Jewish husband."  The mother scowls and says,
> "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking
> part."
>
> Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his
> wife? 
> A : Under the vacuum cleaner.
>
> Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light
> bulb? 
> A : (Sigh) "Don't bother.  I'll
> sit in the dark.  I don't want to be a nuisance to
> anybody."
>
> * Short
> summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we
> won, let's eat.
>
> *A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown
> shirt for his birthday.  On the next visit, he wears
> the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter
> already?  Didn't you like the blue one?"
>
> * Did you
> hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
> street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three
> days."  "Force yourself," she replied.
>
> Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a
> Jewish mother? 
> A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
>
> Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised? 
> A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that
> isn't 20%
> off.