> * A car hit an
> elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
> comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good
> * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my
> mother-in-law to the airport.
> * I've been in love with the same woman for 49
> years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
> * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when
> she's making love? "Honey, I'm
> * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be
> reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife
> * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
> * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a
> waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
> * My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our
> wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in
> the bathroom and cried.
> * My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That
> was only for the estimate.
> * She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
> Then the mud fell off.
> * The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man
> couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another
> six months.
> * The Doctor called Mrs Cohen saying, "Mrs Cohen, your
> cheque came back." Mrs Cohen replied, "So
> did my arthritis!"
> * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
> Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!
> What did I tell you?"
> * A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
> The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor
> says, "That's what puzzles me!"
> * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
> Doctor: "Don't answer it!"
> * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
> "You've been brought here for drinking."
> The drunk says,
> "Okay, let's get started."
> * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're
> worth it.
> * Why do Jewish
> men die before their wives? They want to.
> * The
> Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
> like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the
> reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not
> * There is
> a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life
> begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not
> considered viable until it graduates from law school.
> Q : Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
> A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
> Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole
> A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.
> Q : What's a Jewish American Princess's favourite
> A : Facing Bloomingdale's.
> * A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how
> are you?" Not too good,"
> said the mother. "I've been very weak.
> " The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
> She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38
> days." The son said, "That's
> terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38
> days?" The mother answered, "Because, I
> didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should
> * A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always
> had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
> * A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother
> he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part
> is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of
> the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says,
> "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking
> Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his
> A : Under the vacuum cleaner.
> Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light
> A : (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll
> sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to
> * Short
> summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we
> won, let's eat.
> *A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown
> shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears
> the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter
> already? Didn't you like the blue one?"
> * Did you
> hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
> street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three
> days." "Force yourself," she replied.
> Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a
> Jewish mother?
> A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
> Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
> A : Because Jewish women don't like anything that
> isn't 20%